Sometimes words just aren't enough....

And that is when the tears take over.

Jamie left this morning. He'll only be gone a month. Those of you that know me, know that is NOT a big deal. Those of you that don't know me... well, trust me, its NOT a big deal. But this time his leaving was different. Up until this point, my biggest concern has been getting MYSELF thru it. That all changed when my 4 year old had a meltdown about his daddy leaving. Eli knew something wasn't right when he saw daddy's sea bag packed by the front door, AND daddy out of bed before mama this morning. Daddy held him in his arms as he tried to eat breakfast, Eli sobbing the whole time. Up until this morning, i never once doubted our decision to be a military family. Never. This was just the way it was. J and I do deployments so seamlessly. No, this is not because we don't miss each other or because we like to be apart. Its because we have embraced this as our life. We love each other more than either of us can really comprehend. And we appreciate the time that we have together. But for many reasons WE made the decision to be a military family, so we don't whine about it. We don't complain. We embrace it with all of its challenges and we love it. But this morning.... my heart broke into about 7.3 million pieces as I watched my little boy cry. Are we doing this because its whats best for the family? What will this do to our boys long term? Will they learn to embrace it too? Or will they forever resent us because their daddy deployed so much? Why is being a parent so hard? Why do we doubt everything we do? Will it EVER get easier? Here i am 7 months pregnant and already praying that I don't screw up this baby too bad. Ugh. I wish someone would have told me how little faith you have in yourself when you become a parent.....

On another note. This baby that I am 7 months pregnant with.... He is now named. I know i know, we've changed our minds so many times your thinking we probably don't REALLY have him named, BUT I don't waste money, its not in my genetic make up. And today I bought letters for his name. That means, its not being changed, even if we did decide we hated it. But were not going to. Because we love it. Asher James Montgomery. Asher means "happy/blessed" in Hebrew. James has no significance except that when J was in college, his buddies called him James, and he has on occasion toyed with the idea of going by James rather than Jamie. Im starting to stress about not having everything ready for him when he gets here, but Im just praying that it all comes together. Im sure it will. Im a planner. And Im ocd, i don't see how it would be possible for me to NOT be ready when he gets here.

Anywho. I am off to paint letters for the last member of the Monty family and then make some dinner for my little men.